My Darth Vader Moment

There was a time in my life when I was so angry that I wanted to destroy the entire world. I wanted to rage. I wanted to rampage. I wanted to set the world ablaze.

I had a choice to make. Did I want to become a bad man? Did I want to choose evil? I don’t know what would have happened. I did not want to be a criminal. I did not want to be Hitler.

I call it my Darth Vader moment. I had been brooding on it for months. Then finally it all came to the moment of decision. I talked to a friend about it. I didn’t know how to explain it well. She just listened. I don’t know if she took it seriously.

This isn’t something I talk about. Because I don’t want to lose my freedom. I don’t want to show weakness. It will disturb people. I don’t know if others think about killing. Do they? Do you? I have thoughts from time to time.

Homicidal ideation. People who have wronged me. People who annoy me. Some people make the list. Most don’t. I have never written it down. It is filed away in my head.

Of course, I never act. Murder is wrong. That strong moral code is, thankfully, embedded in me as well. So I tell myself that I can think it, but I can never act it out. I suffer from suicidal ideation too. And the same applies.

Talking about my problems helps. For years, I have held many secrets. I never talked to anyone about my problems. I never shared what happened to me with anyone. My father hitting me. My brother abusing me sexually. I pretended that my life was fine. Everything was normal.

This is not meant to scare people, but to help others and myself understand. If we know more, we can learn. That includes me. What role does abuse have in this? A lot, I think. I want the world to be a better place. That was the road I decided to take.

I still struggle with it. But I made my choice. Occasionally I have to remind myself of this. That I am to be a force for good. I must not commit evil.

ajh

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